Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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