Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
