Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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