I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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