dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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