I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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