but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
