He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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