smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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