watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
