if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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