you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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