My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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