I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
