you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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