Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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