I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
