so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
