In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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