if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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