She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
