I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
