Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
