Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
