can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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