just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think people are normalizing furries
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
