You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
