your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
