We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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