Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
