I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
