Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
