I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
