just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
