I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
