11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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