Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
