she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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