the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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