I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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