If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
