Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
