Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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