im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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