I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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