I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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