Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
