Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
