mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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