i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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