i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
